Yesterday I was watching Ram Lakhan. It’s one of my favourite masala potboilers. An all out entertainer, Subhash Ghai’s multi-starrer has action, comedy, romance and drama rolled in one.

As I enjoyed the implausibility of it all, I couldn’t help make note of certain traits that Bollywood narrative religiously follows. Here are a few examples:

# Notice how a character, mostly in a supporting role, will never be discreet about a shocking discovery he’s just made. Instead of surreptitiously sneaking out and informing the police or concerned authorities, he will take on the baddies single-handedly. He will actually stand there and tell them how he plans to dial 100 and expect to walk away unharmed. What do you expect? The fool is bumped off in no time.

# The dumb heroine is next on the list. Every time some serial killer goes on the loose, instead of heading for the first exit, she’ll try and find out who’s there. “Kaun hai wahan pe? Jawab do” (Who is it? Answer me!) Yeah, right! Get hit lady, you brought it upon yourself.

# The Bollywood ghost is full of polite gestures. He/She will make numerous now-you-see-them-now-you-don’t appearances, to warn our hero/heroine to maintain distance. But they refuse to take any cue and run for their dear lives. And then when they meet a tragic end or get the spooking of their lives, we are expected to sympathize with them.

# Okay so our hero accidentally lands on the scene of crime. And just when he holds the blood soaked body or tries to remove the dagger off the corpse’s chest, the housemaid, neighbors or even police show up and cry ‘murderer’! What’s more, he’ll be proven guilty too! Forensic science is yet to arrive in Bollywood. Sigh.

# Take the same scenario again. This time around, our hero got lucky. The housemaid’s on leave, the neighbors are minding their own business and the cops are traditionally late. What now? The hero doesn’t think twice before resolving to hide the dead body in the boot of a car. Does he have to unnecessarily complicate the plot? Apparently, the storywriter thinks he does.

# Have you not wanted to pull your hair every time a silly misunderstanding is dragged ceaselessly throughout the movie? Usually the heroine will see the hero and the second lead indulging in an innocent hug. She’ll see more to it followed by a ‘You unfaithful jerk’ break up sequence and melodramatic heartache song. Ultimately the dimwitted heroine will realize her folly when the second lead reveals how she considers the hero to be like her elder brother. Sheesh!

# This plot cliché has been beaten to death. Whether it’s the villain’s dungeon or the heroine’s birthday part, the hero knows how to get in. All he has to do is disguise himself in a hideous wig, huge sunglasses and a funny costume. Even a Tom, Dick and Harry in the audience can figure it’s only the hero, but our bird-brained protagonists? Never!

Sounds insufferable, perhaps. Therein lies the bizarre and unique magic of Hindi films. Hate it, love it, ridicule it, heck you can even analyze it. Truth is: you just cannot escape the unwavering absurdity of Bollywood. And falling for it.